Happy new year Mr. Diary. It seems fast as the time flies by, and now it is the start of 2011, and i must admit the time passes is fast. I just having fun time going out with kwan jou and lip hong, and it is really a fun time going places like queensbay. I having car show, looking at the concert, and the mount of clothes i bought. And guess what, i dare to try new things which i dare not to do before. I now like to buy jeans, wearing the clothes with cube, and the collar shirts! These are not my prefer, or my favourite before haha!

Anyway new year new change, i start to breath like a new air( Well maybe i smell my aweful smell more than anything else.. Its 2.10am morning and i havent take a shower for a day! ) Anyway i not writing the diary at the software diary, as i want to share something public here. And yeap, i am making a DECLARATION, for my future and for myself.

As my friends suggest:" You are already 21 and a university student, and so MAKE like one" After f6 graduration i have undergo various problems and i overcome it step by step. And start to think about it, it is quite a number!

1.
I start to worry what course should i take, and what course. I pick utar mechanical, and obviously it is not an easy choice, I was offered UTM and MMU, and whole ppl in the world criticized my choice, and i pick mechatronic, which is criticized by my dad. I having a big dilemma to pick.

And yet, when i come to utar, i found out that i was NOTTING, yeap notting. because i see people with same age of mine have enter year 2 already, and they know much more than me when talking about engineering. And when i enter Robotic society, i found out that They know programming, electronics in a seroius way, and even CNC! Talking about workshop and design, it is all about EXPERIENCE, Skills and inteligence. I dont have one. And obviously i feel like i was a ppl who left behind to do small things, small duty, by sacrifising lots of my entertainment time. This is also a big struggle for me. I see a lot, really a lot.

So what to do? I use my brain. That's all. I cannot let the inteligence come itself. I need to find everything myself. I find video tutorial how to use solidworks, how to operate lathe, ebooks, and download it. I learn in serious way, especially no one beside u and u need lots of dedications. I find the software myself, no matter how big the Gig is the file, i download, find the resource, and start to think critically, other people will find out that the things i am learning right now to them is easy, but not to me. I scratch myself, notting is learnt before in my life. I study mechanical parts design concept, basic chemical engineer calculation, automobile, electronics, PIC programming with C, and robot sensors. I must know how to use Google Skectchup, Solidworks, Autodesk inventor, Catia, Nx7.5, Hysis( Yet to install sucessfully),MikroC, PIC Stimulator, Mastercam X4, Circuitmaker and lots of useless software i download and yet to discover their purpose. I need to filter all these infomation and take out the useless one. All i just learn little by little. I not specific in anything, so i try to specifies in certain area. I am now working on it. And that's what i mean, you need a great discipline and dedications to learn something which is not in your syllibas. Really a big dedications Mr. Diary......

2.
Another thing i have learnt is confidence. Talking about confidence, it is about responsibility Mr. Diary. Notting much i have accomplished is try to working to consider my decision made is confident. The first crime i comitted in this error is my first love, jie. I really sorry whenever i remind about the time in f6, I am not confident to love her. Because she is a perfect girl to me and i always shy away from her. I am not confident to myself. During the time she fainted in the exam hall, i suppose be the first one visit her. I walked to the ward room with full of worried. Then Wei appeared behind me, and his message is clear, that is" We must go in that wardroom together, not just you." Obviously i can be confidence and go with him together, but in the last minute, i pulled myself away, and only him is entering into the ward. I afraid, that the atmosphere will become nasty if we enter together, and afraid again, she will choose him, not me.

And because of that since then Mr Diary, he and she become official, and i was crying everyday, every single night. No one is conforting me when i crying in my blanket every night. Everyday going to school is going to hell. I skipped class very often, go to library, go to toilet, or even go to my car. Wherever nobody around, i cry, I regret, yes that is what i feeled, i regret. It take me lots of courage and patiences to pass these horror moment. IT TAKES MORE THAN A COURAGE OF A LION TO SMILE IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY LOVE ONE WHEN SHE IS APPEARED TO GRABBING THE OTHER MAN'S HAND IN FRONT OF YOU. Live a life everyday repeatly for a half year is not easy Mr. Diary, but that time I havent met you yet Mr. Diary.....If Alviss Kong died for his stupid reason, i have 10000 more reasons than him to end my life. But i like her, wait her that time even though i feel hopeless and helpless. And that is my dedication. So why i so remember of my f6 life every single day? because i love her. I have experience and understand what is love, and what it takes to have it, and yes, it is CONFIDENCE. You confidence that you love her, so you have the courage to take the RESPONSIBILITY. You know your own worries, and these worries are the good reason for you to take such responsibilty, because u aware and u can make the responce just like you aware these worries.

So i am trying to make a DEDICATIONS here, I am serious with it Mr. Diary

1. I again give myself to Lord. I hope i can be trained again by His hand. I should have letgo my personal time to Him. I want to be trained under His hand, and recover the Church life, I want to have the feel like I have experienced in Penang about Church life, i want to instill in KL. I really need your guidance Lord. I need you to lead me again Lord. I make my testimonial here. I love you Lord. I will not use my own laziness and business as excuse Lord. I am dedicated to you. I hope my time with you is not a waste. That's all i hope.

2. I want to let go the past sadness which i have hang on my shoulder for nearly 3 years, and my love to her nearly 4 years. I know i am waiting for her for long time, but the important part is SHE DON'T KNOW. I miss her every day in these years, and dreaming about her in sweet dream, hoping for a meet with her for whole dream and life, but again she dont know. My tears to her can be a bucket of water, but she dont know. She dont know because i never tell her, and never tell her how much i love her. But i have no chance to say that again since i last saw her in 2009 may. I shouldn't keep hanging up this burden on me. It is time for me to let go. She is a wonderful dream for me in the past. It is sweet and i like really much with her...But I want to make a change this year. I am letting this matter go away from my mind. I want to make a dedication, that i wont again lived in pass again and again. I should start to live a new life, and yes, i wont have any girlfriend from now on. Although the feel of having of girlfriend is nice. But i want to put my mind on only 3 matters, that is : homework, Lord and robotic activites. I have my own struggle right now and i am having a war all the times. I believe in my capability and dedication.

Now is time 3.04am morning di. It is late di. I gonna sleep di. Good night Mr. Diary.... Happy new year Mr Diary... And Ning, I love u. In my uni life, you are my first love, you make me feel what is love and what it takes to love a ppl. You accompany me go through this hardship of 2010, and you keep me company so i am not alone all the time. You show me that I am your true love, but sorry that i keep break your heart. And finally one day i fall in love with you. I am never ready in the marriage, and the reply make you dissapoint and keep me a distance away since then. I really feed bad about this case every night, because i did love u. Now you are somewhere where my hand no longer can reach to you... I miss the moment with you. I miss korean food with you, I miss you bite me, I miss you scratch my hand. and i miss your hug, a big hug.... And your laugh. I always says, your laugh is the prettiest of all. You love to laugh, and happy and charming girl. You feeled pressure and cried, my heart sinks. My heart is no longer in love with any girls, even though u will break up with me. I will only start my own life, a military life that i always wanted to challange...... I want to study MIT and go find u.