Happy new year Mr. Diary. It seems fast as the time flies by, and now it is the start of 2011, and i must admit the time passes is fast. I just having fun time going out with kwan jou and lip hong, and it is really a fun time going places like queensbay. I having car show, looking at the concert, and the mount of clothes i bought. And guess what, i dare to try new things which i dare not to do before. I now like to buy jeans, wearing the clothes with cube, and the collar shirts! These are not my prefer, or my favourite before haha!

Anyway new year new change, i start to breath like a new air( Well maybe i smell my aweful smell more than anything else.. Its 2.10am morning and i havent take a shower for a day! ) Anyway i not writing the diary at the software diary, as i want to share something public here. And yeap, i am making a DECLARATION, for my future and for myself.

As my friends suggest:" You are already 21 and a university student, and so MAKE like one" After f6 graduration i have undergo various problems and i overcome it step by step. And start to think about it, it is quite a number!

1.
I start to worry what course should i take, and what course. I pick utar mechanical, and obviously it is not an easy choice, I was offered UTM and MMU, and whole ppl in the world criticized my choice, and i pick mechatronic, which is criticized by my dad. I having a big dilemma to pick.

And yet, when i come to utar, i found out that i was NOTTING, yeap notting. because i see people with same age of mine have enter year 2 already, and they know much more than me when talking about engineering. And when i enter Robotic society, i found out that They know programming, electronics in a seroius way, and even CNC! Talking about workshop and design, it is all about EXPERIENCE, Skills and inteligence. I dont have one. And obviously i feel like i was a ppl who left behind to do small things, small duty, by sacrifising lots of my entertainment time. This is also a big struggle for me. I see a lot, really a lot.

So what to do? I use my brain. That's all. I cannot let the inteligence come itself. I need to find everything myself. I find video tutorial how to use solidworks, how to operate lathe, ebooks, and download it. I learn in serious way, especially no one beside u and u need lots of dedications. I find the software myself, no matter how big the Gig is the file, i download, find the resource, and start to think critically, other people will find out that the things i am learning right now to them is easy, but not to me. I scratch myself, notting is learnt before in my life. I study mechanical parts design concept, basic chemical engineer calculation, automobile, electronics, PIC programming with C, and robot sensors. I must know how to use Google Skectchup, Solidworks, Autodesk inventor, Catia, Nx7.5, Hysis( Yet to install sucessfully),MikroC, PIC Stimulator, Mastercam X4, Circuitmaker and lots of useless software i download and yet to discover their purpose. I need to filter all these infomation and take out the useless one. All i just learn little by little. I not specific in anything, so i try to specifies in certain area. I am now working on it. And that's what i mean, you need a great discipline and dedications to learn something which is not in your syllibas. Really a big dedications Mr. Diary......

2.
Another thing i have learnt is confidence. Talking about confidence, it is about responsibility Mr. Diary. Notting much i have accomplished is try to working to consider my decision made is confident. The first crime i comitted in this error is my first love, jie. I really sorry whenever i remind about the time in f6, I am not confident to love her. Because she is a perfect girl to me and i always shy away from her. I am not confident to myself. During the time she fainted in the exam hall, i suppose be the first one visit her. I walked to the ward room with full of worried. Then Wei appeared behind me, and his message is clear, that is" We must go in that wardroom together, not just you." Obviously i can be confidence and go with him together, but in the last minute, i pulled myself away, and only him is entering into the ward. I afraid, that the atmosphere will become nasty if we enter together, and afraid again, she will choose him, not me.

And because of that since then Mr Diary, he and she become official, and i was crying everyday, every single night. No one is conforting me when i crying in my blanket every night. Everyday going to school is going to hell. I skipped class very often, go to library, go to toilet, or even go to my car. Wherever nobody around, i cry, I regret, yes that is what i feeled, i regret. It take me lots of courage and patiences to pass these horror moment. IT TAKES MORE THAN A COURAGE OF A LION TO SMILE IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY LOVE ONE WHEN SHE IS APPEARED TO GRABBING THE OTHER MAN'S HAND IN FRONT OF YOU. Live a life everyday repeatly for a half year is not easy Mr. Diary, but that time I havent met you yet Mr. Diary.....If Alviss Kong died for his stupid reason, i have 10000 more reasons than him to end my life. But i like her, wait her that time even though i feel hopeless and helpless. And that is my dedication. So why i so remember of my f6 life every single day? because i love her. I have experience and understand what is love, and what it takes to have it, and yes, it is CONFIDENCE. You confidence that you love her, so you have the courage to take the RESPONSIBILITY. You know your own worries, and these worries are the good reason for you to take such responsibilty, because u aware and u can make the responce just like you aware these worries.

So i am trying to make a DEDICATIONS here, I am serious with it Mr. Diary

1. I again give myself to Lord. I hope i can be trained again by His hand. I should have letgo my personal time to Him. I want to be trained under His hand, and recover the Church life, I want to have the feel like I have experienced in Penang about Church life, i want to instill in KL. I really need your guidance Lord. I need you to lead me again Lord. I make my testimonial here. I love you Lord. I will not use my own laziness and business as excuse Lord. I am dedicated to you. I hope my time with you is not a waste. That's all i hope.

2. I want to let go the past sadness which i have hang on my shoulder for nearly 3 years, and my love to her nearly 4 years. I know i am waiting for her for long time, but the important part is SHE DON'T KNOW. I miss her every day in these years, and dreaming about her in sweet dream, hoping for a meet with her for whole dream and life, but again she dont know. My tears to her can be a bucket of water, but she dont know. She dont know because i never tell her, and never tell her how much i love her. But i have no chance to say that again since i last saw her in 2009 may. I shouldn't keep hanging up this burden on me. It is time for me to let go. She is a wonderful dream for me in the past. It is sweet and i like really much with her...But I want to make a change this year. I am letting this matter go away from my mind. I want to make a dedication, that i wont again lived in pass again and again. I should start to live a new life, and yes, i wont have any girlfriend from now on. Although the feel of having of girlfriend is nice. But i want to put my mind on only 3 matters, that is : homework, Lord and robotic activites. I have my own struggle right now and i am having a war all the times. I believe in my capability and dedication.

Now is time 3.04am morning di. It is late di. I gonna sleep di. Good night Mr. Diary.... Happy new year Mr Diary... And Ning, I love u. In my uni life, you are my first love, you make me feel what is love and what it takes to love a ppl. You accompany me go through this hardship of 2010, and you keep me company so i am not alone all the time. You show me that I am your true love, but sorry that i keep break your heart. And finally one day i fall in love with you. I am never ready in the marriage, and the reply make you dissapoint and keep me a distance away since then. I really feed bad about this case every night, because i did love u. Now you are somewhere where my hand no longer can reach to you... I miss the moment with you. I miss korean food with you, I miss you bite me, I miss you scratch my hand. and i miss your hug, a big hug.... And your laugh. I always says, your laugh is the prettiest of all. You love to laugh, and happy and charming girl. You feeled pressure and cried, my heart sinks. My heart is no longer in love with any girls, even though u will break up with me. I will only start my own life, a military life that i always wanted to challange...... I want to study MIT and go find u.

2 weeks holidays--- How it ends

It has been a while ever since i update this blog. These 3 weeks since i finish exam i have experience lots of storys.

After the exam i choose to stay at kl for a week more. Because i am going to involve myself in the robotic stuff. And to be honest it is quite exhausting and tired. And i think i just contribute my portion, not much not less. And after 4 days i go out at friday, go to training at saturday and sunday. That time i have a big fuss that weather i should stay for the training till monday or i go home at friday. Because training to me is boring and my holiday is so short!Anyway i attend the sat training and stay stupid for sunday eventually. Monday i go out to midvalley again and have a great time. I have a big gotong royong to my study sites at monday afternoon, then i headed back to Penang by train at night.

At penang i have meet some of my friends at f6. They have give me a heart warmiong welcome when they pay me a suprise visit at my doorroom. And we go play badminton at that afternoon and we have a dinner at the blogger. What a day! And then I also go meet with my dear kj lh and sw~~ We are all already kl gang di and still meet at the penang jusco. We go to big apple dounut for lunch and we takes lots of funny pics. And they have been posted to my facebook. U will see 12 donuts in our box and 3 more free for drinks~~!!And then we have a movie which i forget its title because i found out is boring. Then we go to lu yue yuan for vegie dinner.

We have a enjoyable night. Then I go visit Jimmy wei lun kae bin yong sheng and lh again have a badminton at morning and a penang walk at afternoon. But then we just go to queensbay only. We go to watch " Prince of Persia". It really a nice movie for friends who likes time travel. And what more funny is we go Border to have a walk! This thing will not happen to seng wah or kwan jou when come out with me! What i remember the most is Jimmy buy the book titled"Physics to explain comic superheroes superpower" I just lolz~!! And thanks for kae siang for give us a ride which eventually cause him get scold by his parents. Sorry kae siang, and we really have a enjoyable moment with u. Thanks for the ride!

The next day I leave my holiday to my parents and we go to Gurney to have a tea time. We all go starbbucks and have a family gathering. It is an expensive atmosphere i must say. That same day my sis go to have her facial treatment at Gurney while I wait at the MPH bookstore. We spend the whole afternoon and then we go to Butterworth to buy train ticket. We at first went to eat at Raja Uda. But It is raining and make us hard to come down form car. So we headed back to autocity restaurant to fill our stomach. Sis introduce my dad and mum a special koay teow soap restaurant, which is just in time going to end its business of the day haha! Saturday night I go gathering to the station 1 with the f6 friends again. But a call from my former housemate is irritating. It ruin the whole atmosphere of the chit chat. They demand the phone number of the new housemate. We have a quarrel for an hour till my phone almost die out. It is a angry night i must say. Sorry my friends din share a good talking moment with u all. =(

Sunday afternoon I go watch "The sherik 3" with jetsen wei wei and wei chien. It is an enjoyable moment. Then i go to ah bear's brother de wedding. That time i also very nervous because i dunno what should i do for the 1st visit, and how i give them angpao! I really bad in the formal ritual and the traditon. But anyway i pass the nervous moment and it is quite a relief. The food there is nice and so do the wedding atmosphere.

The monday when i go back to kl study again, my friend tell me that i have to register the electrical machine and basic electronic lab time. I was having a big shock because i thought the timetable suppose to be register at Tuesday. So i call them to help me register. (Fuck u UTAR notification) Before back i have a badminton match with wei chien ah bong and the other f6 friends. And i headed back at night.

Well that's ends the story of my 2 weeks holidays. I takes lots of pics where u can find them out at facebook. And sorry again i dint have a chat with u for so long time Mr. Diary...

I now feel tired and depress Mr. Diary. You see, I didnt get a enough sleep lately, and apparently I cant get my things done in a positive way. Like in rental problem, I think i am not good enough to handle and become a burden of everyone. That's what i dont want to happen. In club activity I cant contribute any much as I am not skilled enough. That's what I dont want to happen. And apparently I have keep a promise for someone and for some reason I like to tunggal the reason a lot. And that's what I dont want to happen. A friend of mine is birthday this moment. I greet her and she didn't reply. I dont want to post at facebook wall because I feel that's is not I want to do. And I dont want to know any clue what is she up to now because I dont want remind that anymore, and that 's what I dont want to happen.

You see Mr. Diary, I feel like I am a failure. I study a year slow than my same age friends now, I cant make a frim decision when i want to decide. I cant find a good topic to laugh when I was stress like now. And apparently I am not good and failure. But even so I not willing to give up. Because that's what I only left even I lost the whole world. I am not good but I always want to keep things right. That's what i always fought for and not letting go. Because Christ is leading the pathways. He always make me feel that I am here..

But still, I am not happy. It is almost 2 years di. I still cant understand why i cant let go. Maybe I already let go long before, but i just keep collect it back. And yes, I am a bullshit. But again, I wont give up. Because that's what i am left.

Ordinary day

Today my math test has finally ended. I feel quite a relief because i have finish all i should i done at saturday. Therefore there is no more reason for me to stay at saturday class anymore. And right now i feel quiet tired after come back from the church meeting. And later i straight go to the facebook pages. I think i have quite addicted to the facebook stuff. I should start to control. M test is coming. I should remember that always.

And by the way, mr. diary. Lately the room problem has arise from now. And apparently everyone is he victim. I think everything can be solved by some communication. I hope next sem i wont face such problem. In this problem they want me to be like the people in charge. Well if i am capable enough to take such burden, i can. But the condition that i dont want to be bonded by the contract. That's what i hate the most. Therefore i hope there is some cooperation going on the neighbourhood.

Now talk bout my study. I think there is lot's of leftover that i still havent study . I think i need to buckle up to catch up the latest study trend. It is important for me to keep up the pace. I think i should start work hard and gambatte. This sem will be over soon, and i have gain some knowledge which is important to me. And i will keep on learning. ADD OIL FOR ME

You know, Mr.diary, i still want to chat with you more, dont know why. Maybe that will make me feel much better. I now want to do things and some progression in my life. And therefore i dislike to waste the time. However i still keep staring at facebook. Apparently it is not healthy for me. Therefore Mr. Diary, I want to talk to you more often. So i can change my attention to you. =)

Normal routine as always

I just came back from church small group meeting at 10pm like that, and yes the sisters are trying to tell me to go back to normal church life again. Well it is not that i dont want to listen. I am listening, but i oso need some rest. Hey gimme a break~! I already feel tired di. I just wanna have some rest~~!

I now quite tension. I still got dynamics report yet to do . and need to revise for those things i have learned. I need some time to do some practise.. I am lack of it. that's why i didnt do well in exam. It is just a month away from the final, I need to start to work out already.

Talk about work out, i always forget about the application of tat ptptn stuff. Next monday if i not wrong is the summation day. I think i need to do something about it....

Good Morning

Notting Gonna Change My Love For You by 方大同
Hey good morning~~!! Today I really feel good. I have sleep for 9 hours today, when wake up straight open facebook and online, and only later have school at 12pm. It is indeed a relaxing morning. But later i need to go to take the book i ordered to photostat outside. Taking a warm breeze of air make me feel that i am back again~!

Oh My Goodness~~~!!!!

I was total surprise, a friend of mine who are same age with me are already reaching year 3! I feel that he is a good leader and example for me~~ And my dear kj lh tom too. They have learn much more than me. I feel that I have been left out a lot in everything. During that time I really got blame myself why I was wasting so much time at f6..

But think back again even I study foundation of matriculation or whatever, I feel that I am still not ready that time since that I was pampered quite a lot at home. Therefore I am really fighting hard to chase their ability now. I should not feel that I have learn a lot or something, because I still being dumped quite hard at the back. However even though I go to learn the external knowledge I must not forget to keep chasing my current sem syllabus, I don't want to repeat the nightmare which happen at Solid and Maths test... Gambatte to me~~!!!

During the robotic activity I was having allergic again.... Skin allergic. Even that i can choose to go home, but I still want to stay at the workshop, because I damn love robotic~~!!! But I didn't do much because I cant concentrate.... But I still want to learn more... I don't want be so blur again at there next time~~!!! Now i am doing my report of the G clamp. Tomorrow I will having experiment again....

说谎，林宥嘉
Today I dun want to go out anywhere, I am alone at home again, purposely. I lazy to play badminton with friends or go to the church with brothers today.........Today i finally give a great time to interact with myself, no any other people at home, but me =). There is going to be a rain outside later, but i dont care, I just listening song everyday, download my ebooks, and watch movies. A great day without going anywhere. =) I feel relax, totally, today i will start to regenerate myself again for another big day..

Sometimes it is very important to give trust to people, especially people who are around you. They like a mirror, reflects what you are giving to them. Therefore if trust them enought, share with them what you have....( Hey why I suddenly crap this stuff =.=)

Terrible!

Terrible terrible terrible! Today i did a terrible test! Even though i did got prepare, I feel that i am not good! But that's a good sign, I wont feel that i am so capable after all. I will start focus in study after a long time busy around with the assignment. I will going to retune my study time. And keep distraction as much as possible. Now is to keep up confidence to keep moving! ( But no matter how busy, I wont give up my robotic activity, i damn love it =)...... )